Why I have not called you. (Yet another hostile rant)

Sometimes my friends call me (yep, I have a couple of friends) and they no doubt wonder why I almost never answer my phone and sometimes don't even call them back. It's actually amazing that I have any friends left, considering how little attention I pay to them. Some of them (that makes it sound like I have so many) have figured out that if they want to contact me, it's much more effective to send an email. I can answer an email, but usually can't get involved in a telephone conversation.

Here's why.

I work from home. That sounds simple, right?

Oh, isn't she lucky. She doesn't have to clock in. She doesn't have to be at work at a certain time and stay there all day. She doesn't even have to take a shower.

That's right, I don't clock in. I'm always on the clock. I get up by 6 a.m. and start working almost immediately. I am usually still working at 10 p.m., after everyone else is asleep. I have been promised that we will be hiring a secretary to do a lot of my work, but every time we hire someone, it's a new service guy to work in the field, which creates more work for me because we get more jobs done, which means more quotes to type up and more invoices to send out. There are days when the boss calls me 15-20 times with more assignments for me to complete.

If my son is home, every job I do is done a little at a time, because he constantly needs something. (Darn kid. Expects his mommy to take care of him.) How much work would you get done if you had to stop every 10 minutes to take someone to the potty or fill up a juice cup? Have you ever tried to balance a checkbook when someone is running through the room pushing a toy lawn mower with those annoying popping balls in it? Do you know what it's like to take a business call while a kid screams, "MOMMY, I NEED SOME CREAM ON MY BOTTOM!" in the background?

What about the three mornings that her kid is at school? Can't she finish all of her work in that amount of time?

In a word, NO!

Gosh, her house should be so neat and clean, considering that she stays home all day.

There is a pair of Diego underwear in my living room windowsill. This morning I found two Cocoa Puffs under my pillow. I'm not 100% certain that I emptied the kiddie potty the last time it was used. Someone left a crumpled up washcloth in the bathtub. And what the hell is this blue, sticky stuff on the kitchen floor?

But she gets to work for her husband. Isn't that better than having a "real job"?

You can't be serious. You obviously haven't met my husband. When you work a regular office job and your boss has a bad day, at 5:00 he goes to his house and you go to yours. I have to sleep in the same bed with mine. If your boss cusses you out, you could quit. I'd have to file for divorce. I am often asked over dinner if I finished that report that one of our big accounts wanted. And Mr. Type A Personality is currently working on starting TWO other businesses, which of course I am supposed to be just as interested in. I swore that I wasn't going to have anything to do with the most recent one. Care to guess how well that's working out for me?

How does she have time to keep up with this blog if she's so busy?

Well, what do you do for stress relief? Drink a glass of wine? Do a crossword puzzle? I BLOG!

If I don't, I might just go to the mall and take someone hostage.