My sister has panic disorder and agoraphobia. She has not been more than a block away from her house in 5 or 6 years. She refuses to even attempt to take "baby steps" toward getting better. She has only gone backwards. I've seen absolutely no progress or effort toward recovery. I have no idea what she is waiting for. Sometimes I think she assumes that some pill is going to fix this, or that she'll meet some new doctor who will make this easy. I don't know what her therapist has tried with her, but I have to assume that by now, she has been told that this is ultimately up to her.
To make matters worse, she is practically encouraged to be this way by her husband, who went so far as to allow his nephew to move in and quit his job to stay home with her. When both her husband and his nephew are home, many times they are not "allowed" to leave. If an errand needs to be run, my mother is expected to pick up the slack.
I have known of people who had agoraphobia. I know several people with panic disorder. I have never heard of anyone controlling all of their family members the way this person does. I have never heard of a case where members of the family are literally expected to stay home to "babysit" the individual with the disorder. And I have never heard of anyone letting this affect their children to the extent that I am going to describe here.
To make a long story a little shorter, she has progressed to the point where she will no longer allow her children to go anywhere except what is necessary. They can go to school, her son can go to soccer practice, and her daughter can go to dance.......but that's about it. If they do go somewhere, I am told that she takes a pill and goes to sleep until they come home.
There's a lot more to this story, but the main point here is this: When does my family, mainly my brother-in-law, draw the line and say "No more". Who is going to be the advocate for those children? Their mother is more concerned about her own anxiety, and their father........well, I am not sure what the problem is there. I know that my husband would never allow me to do that to our child. Further, if the tables were turned and it was my brother-in-law with this problem, I don't believe my sister would just sit back and watch while he deprived her children of most outside activities. So why is it ok for her to do this? She'll say that her husband is "trying to be understanding". I say that he just doesn't seem to be all that concerned about the situation.
To add to this tragedy, those children have an aunt (me) who loves them and would go to bat for them anytime......and I am not even allowed to be around them. I helped raise my niece for the first year of her life, and was one of her favorite people, and now I just wonder what she is told to explain why she can't come to visit me and her cousin anymore. For that matter, I wonder what those kids are told about why they can't do the things that other kids do.
We are coming up on Halloween again, and like last year, those two kids will miss the big event in my small hometown. My mom, who begged to be allowed to take them last year, has given up and probably won't even ask this year. They will go to school the next day, and all of their classmates will be talking about the annual parade and carnival and all of the fun they had. My niece and nephew will just have to settle for describing the trick-or-treaters that came to their door. I don't know what they will tell their friends about why they missed out on the festivities. It just breaks my heart in two.
My mother is so hurt that she has told me more than once that she doesn't think she will live much longer. Her grandchildren are the center of her world. Now she is only allowed to take them out of the house to transport them to school, along with dance lessons and soccer practice. They cannot go to her house. She cannot take them out to eat. No vacations. No theme parks. Nothing. They are not allowed to be gone long enough to go anywhere like that, because their mother might be too anxious without them!
I have tried offering several compromises with my sister, in an attempt to get her to have a change of heart about letting those kids experience the life they deserve. I would be willing to do just about anything she wanted if she would reconsider her restrictions on them. But I get no response to my pleas. I have exhausted all avenues. I can't keep trying. But at the same time, I can't stand to see my mother hurt so much, nor can I sit back and do nothing while those kids are deprived of so much of life.
I am not a cruel person. I don't believe in making fun of someone who is mentally ill. I know that agoraphobia is real. But I also know that it can be cured, and I know some of what it takes to do that. I know that it does not progress to the point that it has in this case unless the individual allows that to happen. I have suffered from pretty severe depression and have fought hard to overcome it. It takes WORK, and I still struggle with it sometimes. About a year ago, there were some things going on in my life that made me wonder how I would get through the day dealing with a toddler. But I had to put on a happy face for my son. He comes first. I can't ever let my own problems affect his life. A mother must put her child first.
So, what if my sister, even if she decides to work on this, can never manage to leave her home again? Even if she chooses that life, why do the children have to be part of it? Why do they have to miss out on so much? That is what I do not understand. I will never try to understand it. It is not fair, no matter how anyone might try to sugarcoat it.
So, this is just a vent. There is no solution, at least not one that I can make happen. I just have to concentrate on trying to make my own child happy. Maybe one day, my sister will realize how important it is that her children be given some slack, and how enriched their lives might be if they could only know their cousin. He would love them so much. Hopefully she'll figure all of this out before too much damage has been done.
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